Dear Mummy: I wish I could tell you…

I wrote this post a while ago, when I was having a super tough day. It was a day of struggle, hurt and sadness. In fact, it is fitting I share this post today because it was another tough one this afternoon. Amidst all the chaos, I wondered what my beautiful, sweet, innocent 6 month old must have been thinking with everything going on around him. I think if my son could put into words his feelings today for me, this might be along the lines of what he’d say.

Dear Mummy,

I wish you knew all the things I wanted to say to you, but was too little to say. I tried to tell you with my small sounds, but they didn’t come out the way I wanted to convey.

I wish I could tell you that today I knew you were hurting, and I wrapped my arms around you as best I could. Even though my arms are little, I hope you felt them hold on a bit tighter and a bit longer than usual. I’m not usually the one for cuddles, but today I could tell you needed it, so I tried to give you my best cuddle.

I wish I could tell you that I could see the sadness in your eyes, and my loud cries weren’t from hunger or tiredness, but to share my sorrow of your pain. I was sad too mummy, because I could see you hurting and I wanted to take away your pain. I shed tears only because you had tears too, and I wanted to comfort you the best way I knew how. Please know I wasn’t trying to upset you, but trying to mourn with you out of love.

I wish I could tell you that I knew you felt sick, so I slept a bit longer and stayed a bit quieter today so you could rest. And I wish I could tell you that when I did wake up and cry, it was because I knew you needed that extra cuddle to make it through the day. I wanted to be the first one to see you, to care for you, and to love you that little bit more today.

Mummy, I wish I could tell you that I knew you felt lonely today, so I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to keep you company, so you knew that you would never be alone. I will always be here for you mummy. That is why when you tried to get me to go to sleep, I reached out my hand to touch your face. I wanted you to know I was there for you mummy. I decided not to sleep this afternoon so you had someone with you who loved you.

I wish I could tell you that I love you, more than anything else in this world. You are everything to me, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I wish I could tell you that you’re the best mumma because you are mine. I know there are days when you feel you aren’t good enough, but I wish I could tell you that to me, you are perfect.

I wish you knew that I smile every time I see you because you are my world. When I see you, I see love, giggles, fun times and happiness. You are my mummy, and I love you.

Your son, always and forever,

Starfish xoxox

About Fi Morrison

Fi is a first-time mum to her beautiful, 11 month-old baby boy who she affectionately calls Starfish. She started Mumma Morrison as a way to document her life with her son, but also aims to create a supportive and encouraging community for new and prospective mums. She is returning to part-time teaching in July. Fi and her family live in Sydney.

Comments

  1. Sending hugs! I know that loneliness, and I love how you put it from the perspective of your little one. You are not alone – never at all!

    • Thank you so much Kim! Sometimes we just don’t think about what they’re thinking, do we? Thank you, the unity of mothers is something that means a lot to me!

    • Thank you so much – I couldn’t agree more. I am actually dreading going back to work in a couple of months because I can’t imagine being away from him!

  2. Aw, this brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful way to put the love of our small children into words.

  3. So sweet! Im sorry you were having another tough day. Id like to tell you that they go away…but they don’t. Motherhood remains an emotional rollercoaster the whooooole way through. Your doing great mama. 🙂

    • Thank you so much! Yes, my boy does it too!! I try to remember it is his way of showing affection – it helps me out a lot.

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